Friday, October 9, 2009

Famous Churches

I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT.


An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North.


On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.


Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.


The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in OTTAWA, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"


The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".

Danger, Warning, Caution

Danger! Danger!
High voltage
No trespassing
Caution, warning
Danger! Danger!
Violators will be prosecuted
Risk of electric shock
Toxic
Danger! Danger!
Call poison control immediately
Do not ingest
Do not let product come into contact
With mucous membranes
Warning! Warning!
Do not shake
Contents under pressure
No smoking
Warning! Warning!
Bathroom out of order
Do not operate heavy machinery
Please keep quiet, work in progress
Caution! Caution!
May contain nuts
Shake well before serving
Expiry date on shoulder of bottle
Caution! Caution!
Take 1-2 tablets daily
Refrigerate after opening
Explosive gases

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hallow's Eve Ensemble

Think of each of the paragraphs as being unrelated. They aren't really meant to make sense with each other.

Silent, is stalking prey
Monsters be out today
A'gallopin' down the street
On largest monster feet
Monsters they be everywhere
O'er here and o'er there
Isn't much that I can do
To stop big monster getting you!

Dressing up so fancily
Skipping 'round so merrily
Going out with fa-mi-ly
All to get the best candy!

Robed in white
Oh way up high
Soon time to strike,
Soon time is nigh
Now I will be lowered down
Until I almost touch the ground
Little kids are what I scare
I'm a ghost, what do I care?

It is dark, it isn't right
I hate going out at night
Who was this and who was that
Oh my gosh, a bat!
Vampires, ghosts and ghouls oh my
I really think I'm going to cry.

The sun is gone, the moon is high
Now it's time to say goodbye
We be off and down the street
For to get us trick or treat!